Efficiently Late

In Nov 2008, I was driving to a meeting, leaving at the time I should've been arriving, as usual. I thought about an example from my childhood I'd just written into my book about always being the last one in the car. What was I trying to communicate with this 50-year pattern of behavior?

I'd gotten as far as understanding that I liked to be prepared. Hearing that from my parents instead of the rhetorical question, “What took you so long?” would have helped, but that wasn't the whole thing.

Neither was my more recent awareness that I like to be efficient. Efficiency explained why I use every last minute to do "just one more thing" before I go and moved me in the right direction but didn't break the pattern. I still felt compelled to do one more thing before leaving. What was that about?

In the car it finally hit me. What I was trying to communicate since childhood was, "I have things I have to do first!" Simple as that. Notice the "have to?” That's what kids say when they think what they want doesn't matter.

But now I can see my real communication to the world has always been: "I have things I want to do first." There it is – breaking through my subconscious after years and years of denial. How better to express that what I want matters than to have it come up as a “have to” just at the time when I’m supposed to leave? It can't be missed when people are waiting.

I hated that, too, by the way. My first thought was always, “Just go on without me.” I never could deal with making people do things they didn't want to do, especially if it was "just" because I wanted something. My deep denial kept me safe from seeing my communication until I was ready to accept that what I want matters.

Now that I get it, I can see it was a brilliant unconscious strategy. When people don't leave or start without you, you get a glimpse that what you want matters. Forward natural movement by tiny increments is better than none at all, but figuring out your communication and SAYing WHAT YOU SEE to yourself works quicker!